Shoot The Wife
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
True Love
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Women Trouble
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four police officers and a dog.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
All Over
A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match on TV.
Early in the second round, one of the fighters goes down for the count. The husband sighs and says, "I'm so disappointed. It was all over in four minutes!"
The wife replies, "Good. Now you know how I feel."
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cosy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Reasons it's great to be a guy:
1.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2.Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3.A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4.You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
5.Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.You can open all your own jars.
6.Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
7.Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
8.When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
9.All your orgasms are real.
10.You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
11.You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
12.Your last name stays
put.
13.You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
14.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
15.Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
16.Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
17.Wedding plans take care of themselves.
18.If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be
your friend.
19.You don't have to shave below your neck.
20.None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
21.You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
22.If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
23.You can write your name in the snow.
24.Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
25.Chocolate is just another snack.
26.You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
27.Flowers fix everything.
28.You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
29.Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
30.You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
31.Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
32.You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
33.You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
34.You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me".
35.The world is your urinal.
36.Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
37.One mood, all the time
38.You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
39.You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're
wearing.
40.Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
41.You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
42.Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
43.You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
44.With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
45.You don't mooch off others' desserts.
46.If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
47.The remote control is yours and yours alone.
48.People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
49.You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a littlegift.
50.Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
51.You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
52.You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
53.You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
54.If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
your other friends you've changed.
55.Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
56.You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
57.If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong buddies.
58.Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice
anything different?"
